hearteststill: (kh. always still.)
[CW: talking about suicide]

I read this article [here] about how as a suicidal person, staying alive is selfless. It's been on my mind a lot since. 

Something I don't tell anyone - I think about dying often. at least once a day. I haven't attempted suicide in many years and I don't feel like I would attempt anytime soon, but I do think about it. I think about it when i'm driving - imagine scenarios where an accident happens and I'm killed. I think about how krista did it - chemical fumes. I think about the scene from 13 Reasons Why - slit wrists. It's not like I haven't had practice with a razor. I've been self-harming and cutting since I was 13. I don't very often these days. I've traded it in for tattoos - the same relief and feeling, which is to say being able to feel anything. 

For months, I've questioned what the point to life is. I still don't know the answer and I still don't understand. My days blur together because I do the same thing every day. get up and work. maybe watch something on netflix or catch up on shows while I work, but every day I work. I don't leave the house most days. I just don't see the point. We live for a while and die. Awesome. So what does it even matter? I will be forgotten when I die. I haven't done anything important. I've dealt with a lot of shit - and it's made me jaded and negative. 

What resonated with me in the article was about how honest the writer was about this truth - for some of us it's hard to live. Every day is a struggle to get out of bed. Some are easier than others, but every day it's a struggle. Within myself, I get angry. I feel like a joke, a failure, a waste of space. That doesn't help me want to live. 

Sometimes I'll think of the impact of my own suicide. Envision who would take my cats, my things, etc. Knowing I have executive dysfunction as well as knowing I would miss some things, I don't worry about those thoughts becoming worse. I promised myself that if I was ever going to attempt again, I would organize and box all my things beforehand - like Krista did. I wouldn't want anyone to have to deal with my mess. But I also know that it won't happen. A mix of executive dysfunction gaming and knowing I'm not in that mindset. 

So I keep living. Not for myself, because I stopped doing that decades ago. 
hoping to figure out what's so great about living, because I couldn't name one reason right now that would make this entire life of shit worth it. 
hearteststill: (Default)
migrating everything here, and for the first time all of my history with livejournal will be in one place. I've had almost a dozen different online journals throughout my electronic life. My first livejournal was fallendarkangel and I started it when I was 14. (i think)

Once they're all here it'll go all the way back to then. My first girlfriend, going to college, realizing what being transgender meant, coming out as trans, relationships, depression, all the gory details and emo rants.

It's hard for me to read back, so I probably won't. I dissociate from my past and reading old memories makes me feel everything all over again. Remember all the minute details, smells, sounds, colors. photographic memory pops into action like i'm watching a movie.

I'll continue talking about those things. Being trans, dealing with mental illness, relationships, and my boring life.
hearteststill: (jelly)
I've never been very good at making friends. When I was a kid, I preferred to talk to my teachers. In high school, I made friends with my fellow theatre nerds. My technical theatre teacher, Sackman, was like a mom to me. She was there when my own parents weren't. In college, I struggled to make friends and had a lot of panic attacks about it. You'd think I would stick around longer in places, because of how hard it is for me to make friends.

My mom always says I'm too hard on people. At first, I didn't believe it. I expected to be treated the same way I would treat people, and I didn't understand why it came out differently or how I got hurt. I'm learning that she's right. I am hard on people. I still subconsciously expect that same treatment, and I'm still confused if things play out differently. I don't trust easily, and when I do it's a fragile thing. Break that trust and it will take a very long time to build it back up.

A friend was telling me a story and I didn't fully believe them. I even looked up a part of it, because I was so sure they were lying. I didn't accuse them of lying, but I did look it up on my own and found out that I was the one who was wrong. This friend really hurt me a few months ago and broke my trust. I don't like that I immediately assume the worst.

These are two big things that I've noticed my asperger's pop up this week. I thought that having a diagnosis would be relieving, but sometimes it's just a reminder that my brain works so differently from others. And sometimes, I don't know how to navigate things differently.

The last few days have been rough. I've been stressed out about my family and the hurricane. Seeing videos of places I miss being flooded is heartbreaking. My dad needs angioplasty. He needs a pacemaker too, but he's refusing that part. I'm going through a weak patch regarding my heart, and missing someone I shouldn't. I'm battling depression and I'm in a low point right now. Some days, weeks, months are better than others. Right now, the stress about work and life are too much. I couldn't keep everything at bay. Something was bound to sneak in.

this was all over the place. not unlike my brain. 
hearteststill: (jelly)
My brain works in mysterious and interesting ways. I catch myself obsessing over a thought, sentence, or sometimes a song or memory. Like a record skipping, I will replay that same phrase or moment almost endlessly. Tonight's one of those nights. This month sits heavy with me. It's both my favorite and currently the hardest. It's the month of pumpkins, ghouls, and practical magic. It's also one year from when I started dating my now ex.

Anyone who knows me, knows I'm secretly a hopeless romantic. I care deeply, I love intensely, and I jump in head first. A lot of this is true about most things in my life, not just romance. A new hobby or friend? I'm obsessed and want to spend time doing that project or hanging out. With our long distance relationship, it meant we talked all the time. At first, we got to know each other through lots of rounds of 20 questions and lengthy skype sessions. I remember the first time we skyped, it ended up lasting 8 hours. Haha. That makes me smile; those happy moments of pure joy. I was nervous as fuck, worried she wouldn't like me as much if she saw me in "person", you know beyond photos and texts. I'm a photographer- I know how to make this cub look foxy. (Okay, that was terrible. I'm sorry.) To my surprise, she did, and I was smitten.

We survived a lot together in addition to the distance. I hate flying and I flew to Canada to meet her. I would do it all again in a heartbeat. But like all good things, it didn't last. I fucked up, we had a bad month, and it never recovered. Fast forward to this month with all its happy memories.

I've been working on a playlist to close this chapter. Music is such an important thing to me. Music expresses things where words often fail. I've always been the boyfriend who makes you a rad mix tape; carefully curated and perfected. I listen to the end and intro of each song to make sure they match up, reorganizing where needed. The title, order, song titles, everything plays a part in the perfect playlist. I'm not the best communicator, so sometimes I turn to music. I'm learning that this is my aspie brain at work. The playlists, the obsession in their perfection, and the quirky communicator in me.

This is my goodbye to you. My goodbye to what we were. I didn't expect to hear you say you met someone, and it's hit me harder than I thought. I will always love you. It's my flaw. I carry that with me. All the people I've loved deeply. Like little battle wounds on my heart, you've made your mark. I was sincere about my wishes for you. I do wish you happiness. This mix is full of songs we talked about, songs I put on mixes for you, songs that remind me instantly of you and the time we shared. Some were on repeat when I was on a plane heading to see you. This was us. I will always think of our time fondly, despite how things ended. The morning we went to The Only for brunch together. I remember feeling so content and so happy. Thank you for showing me that.

by tomorrow we'll be swimming with the fishes
leave our troubles in the sand
and when the sun comes up
we'll be nothing but dust
just the outlines of our hands

hearteststill: (jelly)
I've had countless accounts on here, each one cataloging a certain part of my life. They go back to the late 90's, my first girlfriend, coming out as a lesbian, battling mental illness, college, getting engaged, coming out as trans, and the countless relationships throughout those years. I have a hard time deleting things. Even my text messages with the people I care about are massively large. I know I should delete them on occasion to free up that wasted space, but I can't. I'll delete all the others first.

So it's fitting that I'm coming back here to write long form about my thoughts. All previous posts have been wiped away, locked into private mode for my own nostalgic reasons. Fresh start. I will likely write about my transition, navigating my new diagnosis of Asperger's, life, and anything in between.

I've always been better at communicating in written form. I can express my thoughts, get everything out, and process what's going on in my brain.
hearteststill: (Default)
Her name is Noel, She rings my bell, I got gym class in half an hour; Oh how she rocks in Keds and tube socks, but she doesn't know who I am; And she doesn't give a damn about me.

Cause I'm just a teenage dirtbag baby. Yeah I'm just a teenage dirtbag baby. Listen to Iron Maiden baby with me.

Her boyfriend's a dick; He brings a gun to school and he'd simply kick my ass if he knew the truth; He lives on my block; He drives and I rock; But he doesn't know who I am and he doesn't give a damn about me.

Cause I'm just a teenage dirtbag baby. Yeah I'm just a teenage dirtbag baby. Listen to Iron Maiden baby with me.

Oh yeah, Dirtbag; No, she doesn't know what she's missing.
Oh yeah, Dirtbag; No, she doesn't know what she's missing.

Man I feel like mold; It's prom night and I am lonely; Lo and behold, she's walking over to me; This must be fake; my lip starts to shake; How does she know who I am; and why does she give a damn about . . .

I've got two tickets to Iron Maiden baby; Come with me Friday, don't say maybe, I'm just a teenage dirtbag baby like you . . . Ooohoo Hoo Hooooooo

Oh yeah, Dirtbag; No, she doesn't know what she's missing.
Oh yeah, Dirtbag; No, she doesn't know what she's missing.
hearteststill: (Default)
I wish i didn't feel the way I do... torn between 2 great people, one being here and one being farther away... yet the one who's farther away knows me better, knows my heart, and how I feel...doesn't ask me to change how I am or anything like that... Kacie does that...tries to get me to change what I saw, and who I am... she tries to get me not so say "nifty" or awesome, or cool... says i don't use their literal meanings and so I should use something else to describe things...it bugs the living hell out of me...bugs me cause she is a great person, and does make me somewhat happy, but I always have this awkward bad funky feeling in me whenever I'm around her and I don't know why... she still likes her ex who lied to her for the entire time they dated, and now wants to be with me, but if her ex comes back, i'll get kicked to the curb... and I hate that... cause I know i'll get hurt if I get into that situation...and I'm not saying I possibly won't get hurt with someone else... I'm just saying I don't want to get hurt by her, I'd rather have her as a friend than anything else...

I don't know what to do... I've made the wrong decision with the other even more wonderful person...and don't know that I can change it... just wish kacie never got dumped...none of this would have ever happened...but can't change the past, can't turn back time...but am going to tell Kacie I don't want to do anything with her...need to...need to straighten it all out and just be friends with her...can't take what she's doing to me...changing me or trying to...
hearteststill: (Default)
yup...did that today..went to the movies with kacie..saw Shadow of the Vampire...It's got a really good first hour...the last bit I didn't really catch...my attention was somewhere else than the screen if you get my drift...had much fun...
Didn't do much else...laid down after the movie in bliss watching tv... trying to literally figure out if it was all a dream or not... then got online for a bit waiting for Kacie to comeon, and have been talking to her since...which was around 5.30...and now i'm eating a popsicle cause i'm cool like that...
hearteststill: (Default)
Why does love have to be so shitty at times...why can't it just keep its blissful side and quit the heart ache and sorrow and suicide...
Why do I do things so unreal with thinking about them before hand... i'm such an ass... someone should just end my life...put me out of my misery...god knows i won't be doing it anytime...too much of a coward... I mean, I do some pretty fucked up things...and yet i keep doing fucked up things... i should be locked away forever so as to no one can ever be hurt by me nor can i get my heart broken... I wish i could turn back the clock just a few hours...knowing what i know now, preventing myself of making a huge mistake... why do i do things like this? *bangs head on desk leaving red marks*

i hate my life...hate love...err, hate what it does for payback, revenge...whatever you want to call it...payment for its blissful side... I finally realize something about someone and its too late to change what ive done... damn me to hell... never should have made that damned decision.... should have thought about things before i said it...hate myself.... wrong decision made...can't do a thing about it...fuck... i hate life..
going to find knives now...goodbye.
hearteststill: (Default)
I'm so tired of playing,
playing with this bow and arrow
gonna give my heart away
leave it to the other girls to play
For i've been a temptress too long

Give me a reason to love you
Give me a reason be a woman
I just want to be woman

From this time, unchained,
We're all lookin at a different picture,
Through this new phrame of mind
A thousand flowers could bloom
Move over and give us some room

Give me a reason to love you
Give me a reason be a woman
I just want to be woman

So don't you stop, being a man
Just take a little look from our side when you can
Sow a little tenderness
No matter if you cry

Give me a reason to love you
Give me a reason to be ee, a woman
Its all I wanna be is all woman

For this is the beginning of forever and ever

Its time to move over
hearteststill: (Default)
I've always wanted to say that for some reason... that my life is completely fantastically perfect...but i can't now... I finally made my decision of what I wanted from "us" with someone I dearly love and will always be close to my heart... and I fear it was a wrong decision...well, not fear it was wrong, just fear that that other person is now really sad because of my decision...cause they just left after i said it...and maybe i'm possibly overreacting...maybe they really did have to leave...which is perfectly fine with me...i just don't want them to feel really bad and hurt... cause thats the last thing i'd want to do to them cause they mean so much, but i don't think they know it...
On a lighter note, I got a letter from Kacie today from her sister...cause her sister still goes to my school, but Kacie doesn't...which was a very peasant bonus to my day.. it was sweet...had lyrics to a song in it and a long letter, so i'm happy about that...we're going to a movie tomorrow afternoon/night... yet, talking about this right after talking about serious stuff (see above paragraph) makes me feel odd...almost shallow...i hate that... I mean, I have to talk about lighter stuff to cheer myself up.. but doing it that quickly just doesn't seem right to me...I never understand myself...never did and never will most likely... can't explain why i do things nor why i saw certain things... grrr....hate how i am sometimes...now that bugs me... that i can move from serious and sad stuff right on into lighter happier stuff so quickly it scares me... ugh... shall never understand myself in a million years...won't live that long anyways... oh well... hate how i am... really do...but really like being happy and feeling loved and special...grr... don't..understand.. myself.. ah fuck it all...
hearteststill: (Default)
not bad day today... started out good, thinking about some stuff that happened last night...(i was called incredible...:-P and was told i make someone insanely happy...hurray for that)
And then i get an evil pink slip that says i have to call my mom sometime before school is over, so i do and she said my biology teacher called and said that I've got a D in the class and didn't turn in my current events article...which i did...so i showed it to her and now have a C- in the class, excluding a grade i'll get tomorrow on a test i've got tomorrow in the class, which means i've got to do really well on it, like a B or possibly A...meaning study REALLY hard...

going to movies again this weekend on saturday...hurray for that...not sure what to see though, so any suggestions would be cool... we saw sweet november last weekend...
well...thats about all for todays little update on my life...i'm at my parental unit's office and i hate macs...but its all they've got so i'll take it...its a computer right??:-)

later all ye who actually read this mindless crap~
hearteststill: (Default)
good day today... ended up with a C on a french test that I really got an F on...hurray for me... been thinking about someone all day...which is cool cause i like that person very much... and am planning on going to the movies again this weekend with Kacie...
Life is good...for now at least...Variety show practice tomorrow once again...need to search for props tonight and make a dog puppet...I didn't feel like going to tech...wanted to talk to kacie instead...makes me smile...
But I study for geometry now...wicked long test tomorrow...
hearteststill: (Default)
Alright, boring tuesday... nothing much happen... went to Variety Show practice and worked on my song/skit thing Im doing... going to go home soon and get online and do homework at the same time because the rents are going to some school dinner thing...
talked to Kacie...i feel bad, cause she got dumped, because her gf lied to her about everything for about a year and a half, and said they needed a break... and so then we go out to the movies on Sunday, to try to get her mind off all that crap, and it ended up a "hit on lucy" night almost...err...yeah...at least thats what i'm getting out of it...i don't mind i guess, she's a cool girl, but doesn't want anything serious right now because she still really likes her gf...but really likes me as well, or so she says...and i believe her... i don't know...its confusing me at the moment... everything does though... i think it's cause she's being all cute and flirty which i guess i don't mind...its just... argh...i don't know what it is... oh well... i'll die a single old ugly lesbian who never kissed anyone and died a virgin... which reminds me of Quills... poor Madeliene died a virgin...so sad...damn Doctor, all his fault... didn't go into the room and save her from death...oh well... good movie... i go now... sad, and bored at the same time... not a good combination...
hearteststill: (Default)
alright...so there's been some bad parts to the weekend...but I had forgotten those for a while and focused on the surprisingly good parts...
saw Quills today, which was much more than I'd expected...great movie...
Saw Sweet November with a friend of mine who is now kinda all over me(kacie)...err..yeah...we went to the movies to get her mind off some crappy stuff (she got dumped by grrl she really loved)and so it was a fun night...ended up good... she's really cool.. so i've been thought about tons today...err, so she says...which is cool... i feel special now... at least i can have that... and someone here to potentially date... and now i know someone who's going to scream at me after they read this...yup...not good angry screams... can't do a thing about that... nothing may even happen between me and kacie...who knows... i sure as hell don't...but oh well... if stuff does...cool...if it doesn't, it won't hurt me any...err...maybe it will...i don't know...anyways...
good weekend for me!
hearteststill: (Default)
going to see Quills today...it should be fun...i had a lot of fun last night...good movie...anyways... nothing interesting going on this morning...some builder guys are at my house fixing the front door because theres termites in it...
oh how i love dum dums...good candy right there...yummy candy... i'm eating a rootbeer one now... couldn't be fucked to get up and get a cream soda from upstairs (my fav is cream soda)...so i'm sitting here, bored out of my mind...
more after i see quills...i'll be really hyper and stuff after that...
hearteststill: (Default)
okay...had bad afternoon today...not very good chat on ICQ...but went out tonight and saw a movie with a friend of mine...saw Sweet November...great movie...my friend Kacie, who I went with had just been 'dumped' and so it was an evening to try and get her mind off it...and it was a good night...we both had fun... unfortunately i saw two people i know that go to my school...but that didn't bug me too much...
Kacie is really cool...i love her hair...it's really short and just is very cool... but anyways... I washed my car today...and vacuumed it...god do i hate manual labor even more now...oh well...it looks nice now...not dirty anymore...
i'm going to go...i'm waiting for Kacie to come online...then i'll go upstair and watch tv or sleep...or stare at the stars...its a clear night out tonight, so i may do that...
hearteststill: (Default)
"Deliver Me"- Sarah Brightman
"3 Libras"- A perfect Circle
"Don't give that girl a gun"- Indigo Girls
"Galileo"- Indigo Girls
pretty much any Dido song...especially "All you want" and the last one on the cd...
this all goes along kinda with the last post...sad really...depressed kinda sad...
hearteststill: (Default)
I've been thinking too much lately...about lots of different things...i'm just so confused by so many things, and don't know how to say stuff like that to people without bringing them down...i don't know what to think about things...and maybe i'm not "ready" for certain things... i don't know...i'm just really confused, and don't know how to talk about certain things with certain people...and i hate that about myself...
what i would give to be somewhere else right now... I don't want to seem like I'm just doting either...that's why i was distant to them...and they know who they are... I just want to know how they feel...what they feel for me...what they want... and I can't ask that... i always think i end up sounding angry or something like that when I'm not at all...more just inquisitive, wanting to know how they feel...
I want to say what I feel, what I think...but can't...and i'm sorry...
hearteststill: (Default)
ok...i changed my icon thingy back...i missed my bat dude, and so did someone else...so i changed it back...
i'm bouncy/hyper a bit now...been running up and down the stairs cause my mom keeps asking me to do stuff (clean room, take clothes upstair, clean up mess,etc.) and of course my mom comes in the room, asks what i'm doing and why I keep the door closed...ugh...hate when she does that... she thinks i'm looking at porn or something really 'bad'...so she tells me to keep the door open...grr...now i hear football on tv...hate that..."Looks like it's on the 10 yard line and that'll be a first down!" hate sports on tv...i hate hearing that under my music which I can't turn up because then I'd have to close the door...grr...
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