hearteststill

I got back today from my band trip...earlier actually (around 2) but I watched What Lies Beneath with my mom...good scary movie...something seems out of place...I don't feel right at all...
The trip was ok...Friday, we went to Islands of Adventure, where I walked around with my friend Camper and his friend Kristen who are both in the band as well...(duh) and we went on the hulk, which is this monstrous roller coaster thats rated #5 in the US...i rode it 5 times, and Camp and Kristen did it 8 (6 back to back) and then we rode some other one called Dueling Dragons...which is actually 2 coasters that intertwine throughout their loops and such...fun day...another friend of mine got sick (barfed) because he rode the dueling dragons 7 times back to back...which is really 14 (because it's 2 coasters after each other)...but that was fun...
then yesterday we went and played in Tomorrowland...on the stage there...we played some classic rock hits, and then changed and went into the park...the weather was crappy...(although i didn't mind it)...drizzled a bit and was a little cold...and i didn't do anything special there...just space mountain a few times and thunder mountain (where I had some very lovely eye candy)...and then we went to downtown disney where a few friends and i went and saw Head over heels...it wasn't bad...good eye candy there as well...
but i feel out of place...i had these weird dreams...day dreams and regular dreams...but very odd...outrageous almost because friends of mine were in them...and they weren't bad at all...just mind boggling...
first one was a friend of mine i really like, but won't tell...for obvious reasons...and i did some strange but cool things...like kissed her without any thought to it...totally spontaneous...it was strange...very strange...
the second was another friend of mine i also think is cute, but also won't tell for obvious reasons...and i basically did the same thing...in front of people as well...her friends, my friends...no cares or anything stopping it...
so...thats partly why i feel odd...out of place...the other part, i'm not quite sure...things just seems weird here...my mom got me a mardi gras boa from new orleans among other "nifty junk" as she calls it...beads, shirts...mardi gras is in a few weeks...but i'm hungry, and going to go eat...because even though i feel odd, i have my taste buds back, so i want to eat...

i'm sitting here eating pretzels...i love them...they're yummy...my friend alberto was here cause he didn't have internet yet at his house because his free ISP ran out of hours...he's funny...anyways...school was pretty boring...nothing exciting going on...

i'm just waiting for the rents to come home so I can figure out what to eat for dinner and all that fun stuff....i feel like pasta and breasticks for some reason...hmm...maybe i'll have that...who knows...mac n cheese sounds good too though...oh well...
I should be doing homework...and i shall...
later~

OKay...I went to the mall with my cool friend Katie...which really did brighten up my day...She's good at doing that...we had fun...I kept thinking of whether or not to get the fangs, but I didn't...I'm gonna save up for this awesome looking finger armor that has a nifty design...anyways...she wants me and my friend albert to hook up...but if anyone who reads this knew how my friend albert was, you'd burst into laughter...that and it doesn't quite work out with me being a lesbian and such...but it was fun...
I didn't get anything else either...I was on a hunt for shoes, but never went into the nifty store that has Vans, so I'll go the weekend after next...
I'm going to be internet deprived this weekend because of a Band trip thing I've got to go to...we're going to Orlando...it's not too bad...go to the parks kinda thing...hang out...play some rock hits in the park and go home after a few days...but I need a laptop...that's my conclusion...cause then i'd check it at the hotel and such and be perfectly happy, and even write in here...but if we go to DisneyQuest, I'll get to check it there...(they've got internet cafe thing)...
The Superbowl is on, and I"m not watching...I only like the commercials and not even enough to actually sit there and watch 4 hours of it and be bored out of my mind...

oh well...I"m kinda hyper...auditions tomorrow, so I'm excited...I decided to do my song...

hmm...what to say I do not know...had a yummy dinner...veggie fahitas...oh so yummy...ok...i've been reduced to saying what I ate...I'll go...

Variety show auditions are Monday...I've been singing Over the moon from Rent non stop...I'm seriously thinking of auditioning it for the show...I love the song...I'm just not quite happy enough with how I'm doing it...i'm straining my vocal chords and it's not good...i just have to keep practicing it and get it right to where i like it enough to audition it...i just can't be loud enough with the right kind of voice...ugh...i'll figure it out...and i'm not THAT aggravated...just more frustrated at myself than anything else...but i found my "i'm from another planet" superman shirt so i'm happy...nifty shirt it is...i'm happy for the show though..cause it means tech filled weekends once more...hurray for theatre tech...oh how much fun it is...hehe...ok enough of that...we got a new tech booth and stuff so it'll be awesome...but i'm tired of singing for the moment...don't feel well now...i've been doing it too much...i'll take a break and have some lunch even though it's 3 already...later~

I'm hyper now...i wasn't today because i've been in pain sincethis morning because I screwed up my knee in theatre today...I was doing this coy cat thing we had to do and my friend that I was copying did a karate move and I twisted my knee badly...so i've got ice on it now...
Otherwise i didn't do much...my friend Alberto came back to my house after school and hung out for a few minutes...he's a funny guy...really nice too...awesome truck too...ok enough of that...
hmm...i'm waiting for people to come online that I want to talk to...so far...no one's online that I actually want to talk to...odd...oh well...i think i'll go watch tv for a bit...put some more ice on my already numb and cold knee...what fun...

ok...for those who actually read this, I've created a Kate Winslet community...so if you feel s inclined, go to the communities page and it should be there, because I don't have a link right now...i may at a later date today though....but for now, just go to the communities page....=)

I really haven't been myself lately...i know i've come to that conclusion a few times, but being home alone with nothing to do gives me even more time to think, and that's what I've come up with...I've taken on yet again another personality...i don't know what's wrong with me...I have pain inside that makes me sad, but I bear the pain for some reason...something that must be worth all this...otherwise why would I take it for this long...perhaps in hopes of someday it subsides...some "cure" comes and takes my pain away...but i doubt it...for I am close to nothing...very close...i know i'm not "cool" or "normal" or even 'cute'...i doubt i'm even close to cute...but thats okay...i don't mind...I just sometimes don't like feeling the way I do...how depressed I get sometimes, when all I can do is resist that knife...that happy friend that gives pain...and that pain that makes my mind wander from what I stress about...I confuse myself sometimes...I wonder why I'm here, why I live like I do...I don't know...I don't want to switch schools but I might, and that will suck...I have friends here...people I like to hang around or people I think are cool to talk to...and if that goes away, I have nothing...I don't want to go to a boarding school above all...especially not one for the arts...I mean, I love music, and theatre and all that cool stuff, but I don't want to go play the clarinet, because I hate it with the passion of a thousand burning suns...if they had theatre tech, then maybe...but I hate being away from home...and I don't know what the computer/online situation is there, which is a huge thing with me...I need online to survive...especially somewhere that I don't want to be...but enough of that...
I hide my knives from myself (which is very sad)...I don't find myself cool, or nifty...and that's why I don't talk to anyone I don't know, or even want to get to know if they look cool...
I remember the first year at the school I'm at now...I used to sit with these really preppy girls at lunch, who hated me, but tried to be nice because they didn't know me...a year later I finally moved from them...I don't talk to them much...only one or two who are cool because they do theatre...but I remember how ignorant they were...how much better they thought they were...it sickens me now, because I know I wasn't like them...I was disgusted by them every day I sat with them, yet I didn't move until a year later...and now, I sit with people that are older than I, yet more understanding...more unique and different...oh well...enough philosophical me for now...I'm tired and feel like going to bed even though no one is home...

ok...i thought these were good, but they turned out not to be so good....but i put them up to "please the fans"....even though I don't have any...


here's one of me....can't see very well...


here's another...

I woke up feeling hyper and energetic...happy...which was strange for the way i was the night before...I was depressed...sad..lonely...I had lost the sense of taste last night...couldn't even taste the sweetness of strawberries...my favourite food...i don't know what's wrong with me...i feel the same way again...i've got school tomorrow, which I am dreading...but i'll survive somehow, someway...i keep listening to Dido, over and over again...trying to make everything vanish into thin air...
the sky was so clear last night when i finally went to bed...so many stars lit up the night sky...it was amazing and beautiful at the same time...

I don't know how I am anymore...it's a mystery to me lately...i can't say whether i'm fine, terrible, great...i don't know whats wrong with me...i guess i'll try to figure it out sometime...i don't know...life is dull right now...no one i want to talk to online...i think i'll go lay down...it's early, but i feel like just laying there...gazing a tthe ceiling...thinking for a while...its hard to say what i feel, because i don't know...just been hit by so many things all in a short period of time...i'll write more when i can figure out what i feel...

~this is my favorite song right now...the ending is odd...cause i love the beginning's lyrics and stuff...but anyways..it's a great song~

I like to watch you sleep at night
To hear you breath by my side
And although sleep leaves my behind
there's nowhere i'd rather be

But now our bed is oh so cold
My hands feel empty...no one to hold
And I can sleep what side I want
It's not the same with you gone

Oh, if you'd come home,
I'll let you know that
All you want
is right here in this room
All you want
And all you need
Is sitting here with you
All you want

It's been 3 years one night apart
But in that night
You tore my heart
If only you had slept alone
If those seeds had not been sewn
Oh you could come home and you would know that

All you want
Is right here in this room
All you want
And all you need
Is sitting here with you
All you want

I hear your key turning in the door
I won't be hearing that sound anymore
And you and your sin
can leave the way you just came in
send my regards to her
I hope you've found that

All you want
Is right there in that room
All you need
Is sitting there with you
All you want
I'd like to watch you sleep at night
to hear you breathe by my side