Jan. 24th, 2001

hearteststill: (Default)
ok...i just noticed those pics weren't displayed, so if you want the addy email me or something...
Today was boring...kept falling asleep in class (not a good thing seeing as how I didn't do well on exams and my grades are 4 C-'s and 1 C+...really not good...I still feel distant a bit...and I don't know that I'm myself or not...no taste buds back yet...which sucks, but it's ok...lost appetite as well (which is probably a good thing)...rents are going to see a Sting concert tonight, so I"ll get to relax a bit...they want me to go to Interlochen next year for school instead of here...I like my school right now...(Interlochen is a boarding school for the arts)...I don't like being away from home either...not fun at all...but I don't know...I may end up going because my parents feel I'm wasting my talent here, where I do a lot of theatre and music...
A lot of things have been plaguing my mind...it's annoying, but i can't do much about it...I have a huge research paper due in March that I need to start getting info on, and a lot of personal stuff has been bugging me...my research paper is on the movie War Games and how it relates to computer hacking, and does computer hacking affect the economy...it's kinda interesting...I have until monday to change it if I want to...I may change it to an Edger Allen Poe one...which is tel whether he really had a mental disorder or not based on what he writes...I"m into the mental thing a lot, so I may change...I don't know though...I like both of them a lot, but know mmore about the computer one than Poe...I'll have to think for a bit about that one... and I'm going to scan something I drew the other day and put it on a site I'm working on little by little...I really like it, but I did it on lined paper, and in color...so I'm going to have to live with the lines because I don't have photoshop or anything like that...oh well...I'll live...it's really nifty though...i'll post a link later...
I'm gonna go now...nothing more to say...more later when I finally get home around 5:30/6pm...have some guitar stuff after school...thats why...

Later~
hearteststill: (Default)
I really haven't been myself lately...i know i've come to that conclusion a few times, but being home alone with nothing to do gives me even more time to think, and that's what I've come up with...I've taken on yet again another personality...i don't know what's wrong with me...I have pain inside that makes me sad, but I bear the pain for some reason...something that must be worth all this...otherwise why would I take it for this long...perhaps in hopes of someday it subsides...some "cure" comes and takes my pain away...but i doubt it...for I am close to nothing...very close...i know i'm not "cool" or "normal" or even 'cute'...i doubt i'm even close to cute...but thats okay...i don't mind...I just sometimes don't like feeling the way I do...how depressed I get sometimes, when all I can do is resist that knife...that happy friend that gives pain...and that pain that makes my mind wander from what I stress about...I confuse myself sometimes...I wonder why I'm here, why I live like I do...I don't know...I don't want to switch schools but I might, and that will suck...I have friends here...people I like to hang around or people I think are cool to talk to...and if that goes away, I have nothing...I don't want to go to a boarding school above all...especially not one for the arts...I mean, I love music, and theatre and all that cool stuff, but I don't want to go play the clarinet, because I hate it with the passion of a thousand burning suns...if they had theatre tech, then maybe...but I hate being away from home...and I don't know what the computer/online situation is there, which is a huge thing with me...I need online to survive...especially somewhere that I don't want to be...but enough of that...
I hide my knives from myself (which is very sad)...I don't find myself cool, or nifty...and that's why I don't talk to anyone I don't know, or even want to get to know if they look cool...
I remember the first year at the school I'm at now...I used to sit with these really preppy girls at lunch, who hated me, but tried to be nice because they didn't know me...a year later I finally moved from them...I don't talk to them much...only one or two who are cool because they do theatre...but I remember how ignorant they were...how much better they thought they were...it sickens me now, because I know I wasn't like them...I was disgusted by them every day I sat with them, yet I didn't move until a year later...and now, I sit with people that are older than I, yet more understanding...more unique and different...oh well...enough philosophical me for now...I'm tired and feel like going to bed even though no one is home...

Profile

hearteststill: (Default)
hearteststill

April 2017

S M T W T F S
      1
2345678
9101112131415
16171819202122
23 242526272829
30      

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Sep. 26th, 2017 12:04 am
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios