hearteststill (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
hearteststill) wrote2001-01-24 09:42 pm
hearteststill) wrote2001-01-24 09:42 pm
i think...and think some more
I really haven't been myself lately...i know i've come to that conclusion a few times, but being home alone with nothing to do gives me even more time to think, and that's what I've come up with...I've taken on yet again another personality...i don't know what's wrong with me...I have pain inside that makes me sad, but I bear the pain for some reason...something that must be worth all this...otherwise why would I take it for this long...perhaps in hopes of someday it subsides...some "cure" comes and takes my pain away...but i doubt it...for I am close to nothing...very close...i know i'm not "cool" or "normal" or even 'cute'...i doubt i'm even close to cute...but thats okay...i don't mind...I just sometimes don't like feeling the way I do...how depressed I get sometimes, when all I can do is resist that knife...that happy friend that gives pain...and that pain that makes my mind wander from what I stress about...I confuse myself sometimes...I wonder why I'm here, why I live like I do...I don't know...I don't want to switch schools but I might, and that will suck...I have friends here...people I like to hang around or people I think are cool to talk to...and if that goes away, I have nothing...I don't want to go to a boarding school above all...especially not one for the arts...I mean, I love music, and theatre and all that cool stuff, but I don't want to go play the clarinet, because I hate it with the passion of a thousand burning suns...if they had theatre tech, then maybe...but I hate being away from home...and I don't know what the computer/online situation is there, which is a huge thing with me...I need online to survive...especially somewhere that I don't want to be...but enough of that...
I hide my knives from myself (which is very sad)...I don't find myself cool, or nifty...and that's why I don't talk to anyone I don't know, or even want to get to know if they look cool...
I remember the first year at the school I'm at now...I used to sit with these really preppy girls at lunch, who hated me, but tried to be nice because they didn't know me...a year later I finally moved from them...I don't talk to them much...only one or two who are cool because they do theatre...but I remember how ignorant they were...how much better they thought they were...it sickens me now, because I know I wasn't like them...I was disgusted by them every day I sat with them, yet I didn't move until a year later...and now, I sit with people that are older than I, yet more understanding...more unique and different...oh well...enough philosophical me for now...I'm tired and feel like going to bed even though no one is home...
I hide my knives from myself (which is very sad)...I don't find myself cool, or nifty...and that's why I don't talk to anyone I don't know, or even want to get to know if they look cool...
I remember the first year at the school I'm at now...I used to sit with these really preppy girls at lunch, who hated me, but tried to be nice because they didn't know me...a year later I finally moved from them...I don't talk to them much...only one or two who are cool because they do theatre...but I remember how ignorant they were...how much better they thought they were...it sickens me now, because I know I wasn't like them...I was disgusted by them every day I sat with them, yet I didn't move until a year later...and now, I sit with people that are older than I, yet more understanding...more unique and different...oh well...enough philosophical me for now...I'm tired and feel like going to bed even though no one is home...