my thoughts...
Dec. 25th, 2000 11:01 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hearteststill...sigh...no matter how hard I try, I always hold back on saying things...things i wish i could say to people...and they aren't bad things, they're just things that are either weird or too much to handle...i mean, the little things are like; say i love you or don't say i love you and just say something like 'love always'...or something along that line of not so strong as those 3 sacred words...but if they're truly meant to be said and you really want to say it why not say it...i don't say it...i never know when i'm crossing that line of "too much information said" and whether it will be drastic in consequences or very small...
the larger things are like saying something thats important to me...like asking the status of the whole friendship thing or whatever it is...actually being able to ask that question...it's drives me insane...i can't do it...it's impossible for me to be 'strong' if a way, and say those things...i always hold back...it's all because of certain mistakes i've made along the way that were costly...and the consequences were drastic...so now instead of just saying things...i hold back...keep them inside to eat at my brain...it's really hard...and i hate doing it but it kinda comes a bit naturally now because of those mistakes...and i'm not frustrated at it, nor am i angry or any sort of bad emotion i'm just pondernig the thought of why i hold back...and why i'm not really ever spontaneous...
I don't know what to do...don't know what to say anymore...and wish i could say things that are eating at my brain but won't...especially the whole status of relationship thing...want to say it...kinda need to say it...but don't want it to come across as an angry question or bad question...it's just a curiosity question...to know where i stand in the sort of things...who knows...i may say it some day...who knows...
the larger things are like saying something thats important to me...like asking the status of the whole friendship thing or whatever it is...actually being able to ask that question...it's drives me insane...i can't do it...it's impossible for me to be 'strong' if a way, and say those things...i always hold back...it's all because of certain mistakes i've made along the way that were costly...and the consequences were drastic...so now instead of just saying things...i hold back...keep them inside to eat at my brain...it's really hard...and i hate doing it but it kinda comes a bit naturally now because of those mistakes...and i'm not frustrated at it, nor am i angry or any sort of bad emotion i'm just pondernig the thought of why i hold back...and why i'm not really ever spontaneous...
I don't know what to do...don't know what to say anymore...and wish i could say things that are eating at my brain but won't...especially the whole status of relationship thing...want to say it...kinda need to say it...but don't want it to come across as an angry question or bad question...it's just a curiosity question...to know where i stand in the sort of things...who knows...i may say it some day...who knows...
