Oct. 5th, 2016

hearteststill: (jelly)
My brain works in mysterious and interesting ways. I catch myself obsessing over a thought, sentence, or sometimes a song or memory. Like a record skipping, I will replay that same phrase or moment almost endlessly. Tonight's one of those nights. This month sits heavy with me. It's both my favorite and currently the hardest. It's the month of pumpkins, ghouls, and practical magic. It's also one year from when I started dating my now ex.

Anyone who knows me, knows I'm secretly a hopeless romantic. I care deeply, I love intensely, and I jump in head first. A lot of this is true about most things in my life, not just romance. A new hobby or friend? I'm obsessed and want to spend time doing that project or hanging out. With our long distance relationship, it meant we talked all the time. At first, we got to know each other through lots of rounds of 20 questions and lengthy skype sessions. I remember the first time we skyped, it ended up lasting 8 hours. Haha. That makes me smile; those happy moments of pure joy. I was nervous as fuck, worried she wouldn't like me as much if she saw me in "person", you know beyond photos and texts. I'm a photographer- I know how to make this cub look foxy. (Okay, that was terrible. I'm sorry.) To my surprise, she did, and I was smitten.

We survived a lot together in addition to the distance. I hate flying and I flew to Canada to meet her. I would do it all again in a heartbeat. But like all good things, it didn't last. I fucked up, we had a bad month, and it never recovered. Fast forward to this month with all its happy memories.

I've been working on a playlist to close this chapter. Music is such an important thing to me. Music expresses things where words often fail. I've always been the boyfriend who makes you a rad mix tape; carefully curated and perfected. I listen to the end and intro of each song to make sure they match up, reorganizing where needed. The title, order, song titles, everything plays a part in the perfect playlist. I'm not the best communicator, so sometimes I turn to music. I'm learning that this is my aspie brain at work. The playlists, the obsession in their perfection, and the quirky communicator in me.

This is my goodbye to you. My goodbye to what we were. I didn't expect to hear you say you met someone, and it's hit me harder than I thought. I will always love you. It's my flaw. I carry that with me. All the people I've loved deeply. Like little battle wounds on my heart, you've made your mark. I was sincere about my wishes for you. I do wish you happiness. This mix is full of songs we talked about, songs I put on mixes for you, songs that remind me instantly of you and the time we shared. Some were on repeat when I was on a plane heading to see you. This was us. I will always think of our time fondly, despite how things ended. The morning we went to The Only for brunch together. I remember feeling so content and so happy. Thank you for showing me that.

by tomorrow we'll be swimming with the fishes
leave our troubles in the sand
and when the sun comes up
we'll be nothing but dust
just the outlines of our hands


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