Jan. 1st, 2001

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most people are out celebrating on new years eve, or evening staying in with that special person or their family perhaps...but I, sadly was next door, babysitting two kids which are the only kids i babysit, and one is a total pain in the ass...I went over there around 5, thinking they would be back in time for me to come home and have some fun watching the tube and online, and have a good new years eve...i was stuck there until 1am, with 2 kids who did not want to go to bed...infact, the thought of bed made them cry...and then it was "i want my mom" and "i want to call my mom" and me saying 'they'll be home soon, go watch cartoons'
but i complain too much...

I realized something last night lying in bed after i came home from babysitting...i hate the way i act sometimes...and I can't explain my actions sometimes, which i don't like either...i mean, the way i treat some people is total crap...and that sucks...spiritually I'm a wreck..i'd like to have a happy medium spiritually, but i don't really know what to believe..like my parents...i sometimes treat them really crappy...and i really don't like it when i do that...but i can't stop myself sometimes...
i came home last night, and went straight to the computer to check my napster, then got off and went upstairs to bed...after only eating some poptarts with the kids and saying i didn't eat anything to my mom and also saying i didn't want anything to eat...i don't like lieing to my parents...it's one thing now that really bugs me...but theres some things i have to hide, like my out-ness at school and stuff like that, even though they really ought to know that...they are only very slowly coming to terms with me...and thats ok...i want to give them time...
and i found out a gum i bought that i like can give me cancer...i think that was the good part of the day today...the label on the back said a certain ingredient was found to have caused cancer in lab animals. so i'm just over joyed at this fact...now i know that if i ever want to get cancer i'll chew a couple hundred packs of this stuff and get it...oh joy...

'she' is still gone...4 more long days of torture and only one until i go back to school...damn me to hell...i'm gonna get my permit tomorrow...well...take the test anyway..hopefully pass...
i was reading this book yesterday by anne rice...an erotic version on sleeping beauty...i stopped reading it...it was really good, but my mom wasn't wanting me to read them...i can see why too, but i'm gonna go to borders tomorrow and finally get some anne rice stuff...hurray for me...(it appears i'm bleeding so i'll go now...)

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