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woke up at 10, got online, been online since...thats about it...trying to figure out what to do with my friend Kacie tomorrow or Monday... we may go see a movie or something..not sure yet though... we both lack transportation..

god i couldn't be anymore boring or bored than I am now...and i don't really feel like playing rollercoaster tycoon...eyes are sore already...i may go watch tv...argh...bored..must..find..something..to do...ooo...i'll go hook up my answering machine to my line...okay...problem solved for at least 10 minutes...people need get on ICQ! grr...
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ok...here's links instead of pics because I couldn't get photopoint to work, and last time I used Angelfire, it didn't show the pics, it showed an angelfire logo, so here's actual links instead! hurray!
Goth Goddess I created

here's a cute guy I created...even though I'm a lesbian...so there! Cute guy

essentially real me, but I've got shorter hair. real me
and last but not least...gothic style me
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OKay...finally back at school from a pretty boring zoo trip...I sat sitting alone eating lunch and then a girl i know comes and sits down and starts talking...and wouldn't leave...so that was annoying...but I got some nifty little beaded bracelets and necklaces that 5 year olds wear to look cool...you know the kind...those brightly colored ones with little plastic animals or something on them...so now i look like a 5 year old stuck in some teenage body...but it's cool none-the-less...hopefully I'll get home around 5...hurray...get on ICQ as soon as I come home and hope that a certain someone is still on so I can chat...and if they're not, it's ok...i'll talk to them tomorrow or sometime this weekend...i think I'll sleep in Theatre next period... I don't want to do anything else...no monologue practice...just sleep....

new icon

Feb. 15th, 2001 06:53 pm
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okay...i must be avatar-stupid because i couldnt get the background to be a different color and I couldn't get the entire thing to fit within 100 x 100, which is what Livejournal is restricting me to...so i might as well make a new one and start over and if anyone can help me...please do....i must be really clueless...
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okay...I've got another free period due to Honors classes testing but this time in my Biology class... so i'm quite content for the moment...the only thing that remotely bothers me is that I feel like i'm floating, yet i'm sitting in a chair, and i feel light-headed a bit...so that isn't very good....but it's medicine i'm taking and i guess the pain killers i took this morning made the effects of my ADD meds worse or something along that line... I drew on arm again this morning...my excuse is that I'm saving a few trees... it's fun though...keeps me un-bored... same lyrics as yesterday though...due to the whole being backstabbed and all...(My way by Limp Bizkit, and Voodoo by Godsmack...both very good songs)...
It's one of those days where all I want to do is sit somewhere peaceful and play my guitar for hours...possibly talking to someone in specific as well...but i've got a long day today...variety show practice til around 5, and babysitting tomorrow for a few hours starting around 6pm...i really want to talk to someone though...so i'll email them or something and talk that way today... i still feel 'high'...not a good sign...maybe it's starring at the computer screen as well that isn't making it better...hmm...who knows...anyways...I'm going to draw on my arm some more and then wander to english, where my teacher has mood swings like nobodies business...talk to you lovely people who read this later~
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OKay...browsing through Livejournal cause I'm bored, and come across lovely people I thought were "friends" talking about me behind my back... one of the best names I've been calle das well...(dumbshit)...oh how I love being talked about behind my back (sarcasm)... ok... that officially made my day the worst this year...I hate the world... yup... strong statement... oh fucking well...
well...i'm not quite cooled down yet, so...i think i'll bash some things around...break a few bottles...make a few cuts... damn people to hell...all you backstabbing bitches who feel the need to be two sided... rot in hell for all i care... just keep the fuck away from me...
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alright... so Valentine's Day is a pretty crappy excuse for a holiday... I wouldn't have said this if someone was actually here to enjoy it with, but since there's no one but a head full of confusing things, I shall rant about why v-day is awful...
Did you know it's right up there along with Christmas as the top day with the most suicides? yes indeed...more people commit suicide on v-day and christmas than any other day of the year....why you ask? well...not everyone has someone to share this holiday surrounded by love... some have tragedies surrounding this holiday as well... but me, I'm just plain miserable... no one to spend it with besides my parents (who i might add has their anniversary today...yes they got married on Valentine's day)... and I think and think of way too many things that I shouldn't dwell too much on, yet i do...
I've just got this one thing on my mind that I can't stop thinking about... something i want to tell someone but can't be brought to say it for the consequences of what is to be said...i just hate it... but i'll probably keep it inside me for a while hoping it will disappear... nothing i can do... and i wanted to talk to someone so badly today of all days and they aren't online...oh well...not their fault, probably seeing hannibal i bet...
i just want this day to be over...this aching inside me to be over...thats all...too much to ask probably...so i'll fake a few smiles in front of the parental units and be a good little daughter to them while we 'celebrate' over dinner somewhere...and i'll survive another day tomorrow of hell most likely...drawing more lyrics on my right arm because i've got nothing else to do in biology or french...depressing lyrics as well..er, not necessarily depressing, just not happy...
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OKay...nothing really interesting went on today... I've got a free period right now because people in my history class are taking a AP placement test to get into AP History for next year and so I've got the end of the school day to sit in the library and typ ein my livelournal because I neglected it yesterday...I watched The Art of Waar last night and pondered a few things while trying to fall asleep...it was too cloudy to gaze at the stars...oh well...
I think I've finally stopped being distant with a certain someone...at least i hope so...I talked to them yesterday for a bit and they didn't ask what was wrong, so i talk that as a good thing...
I don't think I'll get home in time to get on ICQ and talk to them though...so if they are reading this... I'm really sorry, but I've got Variety Show practice and I"m actually in the variety show this year, singing a song from Rent (Over the moon) so i'll email you later...
I still have a wondrous 20 minutes of peaceful computer time, and then I've got to wait until tomorrow... but tomorrow is indeed Valentine's Day, so that will definitely be a good day i hope...*crosses her fingers*...I can only hope...

OK...enough for now...more later...
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It's been a boring day... woke up around 10, watched 'Saving Grace' and played Rollercoaster tycoon for a few hours, and now my eyes are in pain...oh well...
more later when there's interesting things going on...
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Well, I did see hannibal today... A double dose of Hannibal the Cannibal today... I watched Silence of the Lambs this morning, and I do have to say, Julianne Moore is so much better than Jodi Foster...But none the less Hannibal was awesome...nice and bloody and fun stuff...
Oh well... I'm home alone now, and deciding whether to make myself some icecream...(not literally make it...just go to kitchen and get it really)...I got rollercoaster tycoon today s well...and so i've been playing that...but I seriously suck at actually making the coasters...I just use the ones they've got on the game...much easier...
ok...i'm going to get off my ass and get ice cream...yummy...nothing else interesting happened today...nor tonight most likely...boring night alone...damn...wish i could call a few people i'd like to talk to...damn...i need to investigate getting an international phone card...but that means i need money too...hehe...
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okay...so I still may feel like crap...but I'm going to the zoo today for Biology...it's more like I have to go rather than want to go...but i'm going none-the-less... and I got out of babysitting tonight because I've got this band festival where I have to go perform something i've been practicing at 9pm at JU (Jacksonville University) so that's a pain in the ass... oh well...i'll talk later...i feel like crap...but I may actuall get home in time to get on ICQ before it's too late...hurray for that...oh how I love ICQ...err...AIM better but AIM is evil....okay...i'm done...i'll go now...later~~
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boring day...I may watch Silence of the Lambs tonight or tomorrow morning...I can't decide when...I don't wan tto have nightmares, so I may watch it tomorrow and have a full day of Hannibal Lector...I'm going to see Hannibal tomorrow... that will be fun... 'rents are going out to dinner tomorrow night as well...so that means house to myself...hurray...actually...it sucks being home alone...nothing to do...but it's better than being home with them...
got a few emails from a long lost sister today...i was suspicious as I should be, and she got angry because I told her to stop the 'lovey dovey stuff' she was doing...cause she was saying love you and stuff i didn't want to hear...but you have to understand I hadn't heard a word from her in over a year...so thats why... and I was about to be put in the middle of things between her and my dad (which is actually a grudge from 15 years ago...divorce grudge) and so i told her i didn't want to be in the middle, and I'm older than she thinks and all that fun stuff...and she got angry as was expected...so we no longer talk once more.... what fun... we put the 'fun' in dysfunctional....hurray for that...

ok enough of that... I"m going to have yummy frozen pizza soon, and maybe watch silence of the lambs after all...
later~
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turns out the online place i went lied about Quills being there...so I'm not getting to see it today...or tomorrow, or next week unless it comes next friday...oh well...i made myself a very yummy mocha this morning, so i'm content i suppose... I am a bit disappointed though...oh well...more disappointed that i won't have anyone here to share Valentine's with...ho hum... nothing to do... i am going out with the parental units on V day...a good restaurant too, but I'm still disappointed...well... not disappointed... just sad i guess... oh well... i'll go now...nothing exciting going on...just in a chat i like...
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sitting at home, with nothing much to do...i guess i'll have a shower...boring night...no one is online, and there's nothing to do online at the moment...I feel like painting, but i won't...i also feel like doing some photography, but i won't..because i want to get a better camera than just my polaroid joy cam...
in my quiet, depressive almost mood...quiet music playing, and i'm about to fall asleep i think...i need to do something...
oh well...i'll go take a hot bath or something...
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ok...today has been surprisingly ok... haven't done anything exciting...increased how much ADD meds I have to take, and so that has been playing with my brain for a bit...it's interesting, because on the way to school I was thinking to myself, 'why don't i go see my french teacher?' i strongly dislike my french teacher...and so, I was severely worried about that thought bubble...and then i told myself i needed to type up my history essay rather than turn it in late...so I did that and actually had to finish the rest of the essay all in about 30 minutes...i was pleased... went to homeroom, had a donut because someone actually remembered this time, and went to class...it was fun...i've been tense all day though...nervous almost, but it's a side-affect of the meds, so i'm not worried...no school tomorrow, and I'm going to see Quills tomorrow afternoon...which will be more than fun...
rest of weekend doesn't have any plans yet...maybe sleep in and watch some movies or get online for a bit...who knows...but i'm going to go to my last 3 classes for the week now...geometry, biology and theatre....what fun...somewhat tired...oh well...
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ever wonder certain things, and can't stop thinking about them? things that are thought provoking or philosophical in a way...
certain music makes me think...like enya for example...such a great voice, and soothing almost to the point of slumber...

i've been thinking a lot lately...about myself...about life...enya is a good type of music to listen to when one goes onto such a "journey"...a "quest" if you must, of their life, themselves...good soft music...but back to thoughts...i've just been thinking muchly about things...

i've come to some conclusions...some i'm still pondering, but non-the-less, conclusions all the same...the first was about myself...i haven't been 'myself' lately...and it's been longer now than 'lately'...but i think i've figured out why... I've been genuinely more happy..at least i think i have.. i'm less depressed and more happy, not knowing why...so, thats one difference...but i've also been distant with certain people i don't mean to be distant with... and I truly don't know why I've been that way...but i have...and i'm sorry to those whom i've been that way...but until i figure out why i've been that way, i can't change things...
and now the depression sets in a bit...similar to being grounded from love, or heart broken...odd combination of emotions and feelings...oh well...*sighs*

I've also noticed some other things...I really don't have any friends...maybe aquaintances, but no friends...odd, yet not surprising to me really... I've been distant with certain people, people i used to call friends...and maybe they still are and i'm just not in the friends mood...i'm not sure...i'm reserved at school as well as semi-quiet..i'm always like that...always waiting for the time when i can go home...sit in my computer room all weekend staring at a screen for 24 hours and sleeping 24 hours...not doing anything with 'friends'...nor going out much in general...i really don't have a social life as you may have noticed...but people i used to call friends, don't talk to me...can't take the time to stop caring about themselves solely, and ask how i am doing or how things are...not one person...i'm always the one to initiate conversation, and i hate that...i'd like to get online and have people talk to me rather than the other way around...i don't know, just something i've always had inside, just never said...
i wish i could find someone as talented and wonderful as someone i used to be in love with...someone as great to talk to...but no...because i don't go out much, which therefore defeats my whole idea of finding someone here...which is fine...i'll die being single, having never had my 'first kiss' nor ever meeting the one person i thought i was in love with...sounds depressing doesn't it...but now, i shall retire to slumber...dream perhaps, most likely not...think about things some more...be forever depressed...possibly...
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ok...i'll calm down...Quills is here finally...and it's been here apparently for at least a week...i'm so happy...you know what i'll be doing this weekend...oh yeah...seeing Quills...ok...day was pretty good...not too bad...nothing interesting going on, so i'm gonna have a shower and dinner....later~
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ok...i don't normally like these...but i'm semi-bored...


FULL NAME: Lucy Zeller Ash ( i used to hate my middle name...now i like it cause i can be called Zee, or Z)
Nicknames: Zee, Z, Goose, Goosey Lucy,
BIRTHPLACE: Aurora, CO
HOMETOWN: PV Beach, FL
CURRENT RESIDENCE: ma crib fool
HAIR COLOR: light brown naturally but it wants to be purple
SIBLINGS: 3 sisters and a brother
DO YOU DRINK: yup..to survive...
SHAMPOO OR CONDITIONER:both
TOOTHPASTE: umm..last one i used was Rugrats lime green one that tasted yummy!
DO YOU MAKE FUN OF PEOPLE?: umm...i'm made fun of too much to do it to anyone else...
FAVORITE COLORS: purple & black
ONE SPOT ON YOUR BODY YOU'D IMPROVE: too much to name...
ONE PILLOW OR TWO: depends... 4 sleeping 'twould be one big body pillow...and a semi small head one
FAVORITE TYPES OF MUSIC:ill listen to anything almost,cept some country and some rap and jazz
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT: too much stuff...
YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW(S): Buffy,Charmed,Popular, Whose Line
is it Anyways?, JOhnny Bravo and just about anything on Cartoon Network
AGE WHEN SANTA'S TRUE IDENTITY WAS REVEALED:he has a true identity???
WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD:Guinness Beer logo
FAVORITE BOARD GAME: monopoly!!
FAVORITE TOWN TO CHILL IN: i dunno...
PLACE YOU'D LIKE TO VISIT MOST:London
WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD:broken heart...and dreams shattered...both are a tie
BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD: being in love...but i dunno if i've truly had that yet...i could say yes though for trying to be optimistic's sake...
FAVORITE THINGS TO DO ON THE WEEKENDS:TECH!!!but on the off days...sleep and get online
FAVORITE SOUNDTRACK:Nightmare Before Christmas
WHAT'S THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE
MOrNING:"No more school!! more sleep!!"
FAVORITE TIME OF YEAR: Autumn
DO YOU GET MOTION SICKNESS: i don't think so
ROLLER COASTERS: The Hulk!!
PEN OR PENCIL: pencil. (better for drawing stuff)
HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE?:2...or 1...doesn't matter...i don't answer it much
FUTURE OR CURRENT SON'S NAME: i had in my head a minute ago...
FUTURE OR CURRENT DAUGHTER'S NAME: Graham (inside type thing...must ask me for answer why)
FAVORITE FOODS:mac 'n' cheesey goodness...muffins...strawberries!!!
DO YOU GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS: ummm...i'll take the 5th on that
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN CONVICTED OF A CRIME: not convicted...
CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA: STRAWBERRY!!!!i'm such a rebel...
FAVORITE CANDY BAR OR ICE CREAM: strawberry icecream anyday...but has to have real strawberries in it though...very yummy
FAVORITE SOFT DRINK:Dr. Pepper or Mtn. Dew
CROUTONS OR BACON BITS: croutons of course
FAVORITE SALAD DRESSING:um...ranch i guess...i dunno...i don't like salad
MEAT EATER?: nope...i miss it though...
DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE: uh...not the bug...but automatic yeah
DO YOU SLEEP WITH STUFFED ANIMALS: 2...they stay in my bed at the bottom of my bed cause i'm too lazy to take 'em out...Blue and ma rabbit dude named Caligor
WHAT TYPE OF CAR WAS YOUR FIRST CAR? yellow bug...i don't want it though
IF YOU COULD MEET ONE PERSON, DEAD OR ALIVE, WHO WOULD IT BE? i dunno...maybe the marquis de sade, or clea duvall
FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGE: margueritas
WHAT'S YOUR ZODIAC SIGN?: taurus
WHO'S YOUR FAVORITE POET?: edger allan poe, or vampy...never said they had to be famous...

GIRLS: WOULD YOU EVER ASK A GUY FOR HIS SHIRT? nope...don't like guys much...only the cool ones that don't act like they're 5
AS A CHILD, WHAT DID YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GREW UP?: a singer
IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB YOU WANTED, WHAT WOULD IT BE?: radio dj
IF YOU COULD HAVE A TATTOO, WHAT AND WHERE WOULD IT BE?: hmm...maybe something from Nightmare before Xmas...on my shoulder, or arm...
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE: dont know truly
WHAT IS ON YOUR WALLS IN YOUR ROOM: brit flag, some posters...
WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE SNAPPLE: umm...green tea snapple...the new one
FAVORITE MOVIE: BUt I"m a cheerleader, Girl Interrupted, Heavenly Creatures
FAVORITE MOVIE YOU HAVE SEEN RECENTLY: Dracula 2000
FAVORITE BOOK: Misfortunes of Virtue, Marquis de Sade
WHAT INSPIRES YOU: friends that can draw...people, certain ones though...
ARE YOU A RIGHTY OR A LEFT OR AMBIDEXTROUS: lefty
DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS: nope, im a pecker

IF YOU COULD BE ONE GARDENING TOOL, WHAT WOULD YOU BE:this
question always confuses me
WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED?a box with stuffed animals...and some skeletons
WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE NUMBER?: 13
WHAT IS YOUR DREAM CAR:my hair dude's lexus he got all jacked up with a fin and chrome wheels and its silver and looks cool...or a nice cool lookin motorbike
FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH: none...but if i had to pick..i'd say hockey
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE SAID AT YOUR EULOGY: i dont want a eulogy, or
anyone to come to my funeral...
ANY FANTASIES YOU WISH YOU COULD FULFILL?: probably...but none i'll share...
TICKLISH?: yup...
SEXIEST ACCENT?: british...definitely british...although irish is pretty sexy too...


ok....done with lovely survey...hehe...i don't like the caps lock, but it was in an email and i didn't want to re-type it...
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ok...hypothetical situation (not really)...say you've got a friend or ex or significant other you like a lot, occasionally say the 3 big words...(i love you)...and you say you had a dream about someone you think is cute....harmless dream... you said they were cute, big deal...doesn't mean anything...especially if it's only a friend you're talking to...
see, thats what i don't understand...why the friend/significant other/ex/whatever they are, gets angry saying you lust over other people and still say i love you...and they don't understand it... I truly don't understand people...I wouldn't get angry...you say some one is cute...big deal...to me, that's like saying a person's fav. celebrity is cute/hot...
and then i try to say i need to figure some things out that are going on in my head, and I get yelled at almost, and have someone be angry at me...i don't get that either... what did i do?? because truly, i have no clue... wow...i said someone was cute...someone who is straight, and i'd never do anything with because they are my friend that what i really don't understand...
oh well...i eat now...take mind of crap...
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Alright...I decided I would get on this morning...check some mail before i go to class...and things have already gone to crap...I don't like the feeling really...but what else is there to do... can't find out what someone really thinks of me or what they want from a situation or what they want from me...and now they appear to be angry...so i think to myself, "what have i done this time?"...thats not a good thing to think when someone is angry at you and you don't know why...but oh well... must go to class now...ugh...and think about this constantly instead of paying attention...
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