Oct. 8th, 2016

hearteststill: (jelly)
I've never been very good at making friends. When I was a kid, I preferred to talk to my teachers. In high school, I made friends with my fellow theatre nerds. My technical theatre teacher, Sackman, was like a mom to me. She was there when my own parents weren't. In college, I struggled to make friends and had a lot of panic attacks about it. You'd think I would stick around longer in places, because of how hard it is for me to make friends.

My mom always says I'm too hard on people. At first, I didn't believe it. I expected to be treated the same way I would treat people, and I didn't understand why it came out differently or how I got hurt. I'm learning that she's right. I am hard on people. I still subconsciously expect that same treatment, and I'm still confused if things play out differently. I don't trust easily, and when I do it's a fragile thing. Break that trust and it will take a very long time to build it back up.

A friend was telling me a story and I didn't fully believe them. I even looked up a part of it, because I was so sure they were lying. I didn't accuse them of lying, but I did look it up on my own and found out that I was the one who was wrong. This friend really hurt me a few months ago and broke my trust. I don't like that I immediately assume the worst.

These are two big things that I've noticed my asperger's pop up this week. I thought that having a diagnosis would be relieving, but sometimes it's just a reminder that my brain works so differently from others. And sometimes, I don't know how to navigate things differently.

The last few days have been rough. I've been stressed out about my family and the hurricane. Seeing videos of places I miss being flooded is heartbreaking. My dad needs angioplasty. He needs a pacemaker too, but he's refusing that part. I'm going through a weak patch regarding my heart, and missing someone I shouldn't. I'm battling depression and I'm in a low point right now. Some days, weeks, months are better than others. Right now, the stress about work and life are too much. I couldn't keep everything at bay. Something was bound to sneak in.

this was all over the place. not unlike my brain. 


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