Feb. 23rd, 2001

hearteststill: (Default)
I've always wanted to say that for some reason... that my life is completely fantastically perfect...but i can't now... I finally made my decision of what I wanted from "us" with someone I dearly love and will always be close to my heart... and I fear it was a wrong decision...well, not fear it was wrong, just fear that that other person is now really sad because of my decision...cause they just left after i said it...and maybe i'm possibly overreacting...maybe they really did have to leave...which is perfectly fine with me...i just don't want them to feel really bad and hurt... cause thats the last thing i'd want to do to them cause they mean so much, but i don't think they know it...
On a lighter note, I got a letter from Kacie today from her sister...cause her sister still goes to my school, but Kacie doesn't...which was a very peasant bonus to my day.. it was sweet...had lyrics to a song in it and a long letter, so i'm happy about that...we're going to a movie tomorrow afternoon/night... yet, talking about this right after talking about serious stuff (see above paragraph) makes me feel odd...almost shallow...i hate that... I mean, I have to talk about lighter stuff to cheer myself up.. but doing it that quickly just doesn't seem right to me...I never understand myself...never did and never will most likely... can't explain why i do things nor why i saw certain things... grrr....hate how i am sometimes...now that bugs me... that i can move from serious and sad stuff right on into lighter happier stuff so quickly it scares me... ugh... shall never understand myself in a million years...won't live that long anyways... oh well... hate how i am... really do...but really like being happy and feeling loved and special...grr... don't..understand.. myself.. ah fuck it all...
hearteststill: (Default)
I'm so tired of playing,
playing with this bow and arrow
gonna give my heart away
leave it to the other girls to play
For i've been a temptress too long

Give me a reason to love you
Give me a reason be a woman
I just want to be woman

From this time, unchained,
We're all lookin at a different picture,
Through this new phrame of mind
A thousand flowers could bloom
Move over and give us some room

Give me a reason to love you
Give me a reason be a woman
I just want to be woman

So don't you stop, being a man
Just take a little look from our side when you can
Sow a little tenderness
No matter if you cry

Give me a reason to love you
Give me a reason to be ee, a woman
Its all I wanna be is all woman

For this is the beginning of forever and ever

Its time to move over
hearteststill: (Default)
Why does love have to be so shitty at times...why can't it just keep its blissful side and quit the heart ache and sorrow and suicide...
Why do I do things so unreal with thinking about them before hand... i'm such an ass... someone should just end my life...put me out of my misery...god knows i won't be doing it anytime...too much of a coward... I mean, I do some pretty fucked up things...and yet i keep doing fucked up things... i should be locked away forever so as to no one can ever be hurt by me nor can i get my heart broken... I wish i could turn back the clock just a few hours...knowing what i know now, preventing myself of making a huge mistake... why do i do things like this? *bangs head on desk leaving red marks*

i hate my life...hate love...err, hate what it does for payback, revenge...whatever you want to call it...payment for its blissful side... I finally realize something about someone and its too late to change what ive done... damn me to hell... never should have made that damned decision.... should have thought about things before i said it...hate myself.... wrong decision made...can't do a thing about it...fuck... i hate life..
going to find knives now...goodbye.


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