Jan. 5th, 2001

hearteststill: (Default)
well...I've gone back to school...only had a 3 day week...i'm not in that great of a mood because i miss someone a lot ('her') and they aren't home yet from new years trip they took...i'm just not in a great mood period...i needlove in my life, someone to talk to when i feel like this, someone to hold and watch from the beach...ah, that would be the day...when find love...but I have found love...just in a far off place...and that love i do crave in those midnight hours when all i can think of is 'her'...that lovely person i dream of that i long to be with and just sit somewhere quiet and talk to for eternity...I don't know what to do...don't know what to think...don't know where i stand to 'her'...where my place is now in her life...and i don't know if i'll ever know...because i'm fairly reserved in saying certain thing straight forward...I'd like to know what to think sometime in the near future, but i don't know if I will...
i'm just in one of those moods where the only thing to lift my low spirits is love...from 'her' or at least someone not related to me...i mean, a lover...significant other...whatever you want to call the person you long for each night...but i sit here, with my guitar at my side and gazing at it, wanting to write some music...anything to calm my nerves...andything to distract me from the obvious...i am no one's 'true love'...i don't know if I ever will be...i don't see how someone could want to be with me, yet i long for people almost constantly...crushes, lovers...whatever they may be in my life...i long for security and comfort...i'm not 'her' true love...i know that and did know that...it saddens me, but it's alright...i'll have to live with it...there is no other way...but i long to fix that love lost by 'her'...to fix her pain, ease it in some way...even if it means that I go away, vanish from her thoughts and mind...if I could make a difference, or take away that pain, i could die somewhat calmly...for I have helped another...helped them rekindle love that was blown out when it shouldn't have...
...but i won't die by my hand anytime soon...too cowardly...the feeling you get when you can feel the blood exiting your body, dripping on the floor...making a small puddle on the tile...that feeling that you can't make go away...that "what if I will be missed?" or the "what if I was wrong about things?" what if I do mean something to someone i love...what if this tears my parents apart, causing them pain...
...PAIN...it's a strong word...something that should exist...something that makes cutting myself all too real...something that makes nothing harmful worth while...i dont know...i may be talking in bullshit, and in that case I have no real thought process or feeling or anything that has to do with me making sense and knowing what i'm talking about...i hate pain...as some people do...i loath it with a passion...especially pain from love...there's nothing worse than pain from love...for it aches all over and never ends...it may subside for a while, but even the slightest thought of that lost love makes the aching come ever more harsh...

and why am i mumbling?? because i am full of shit...i hate myself, yes...not because of looks, but because of love...i am eternally fucked up in the head....and i've done some fucked up things in my fucked up life...but none so powerful as hurting my love..and now that love is gone...i fear that love is gone forever as well...which saddens me even more...i tremble at the thought of that love lost and gone for eternity...

Love...i hope you know who you are...i wanted to say this, but couldn't bring myself to be straight forward with any of it...we've already talked about that...and it's probably too much to handle and in that case...i'm sorry, and i'll go away and curl up in a corner for a while if need be...anything to ease your pain, confusion...whatever it may be...i do love you...i can't explain anything i've done because of it nor can i explain things I've done that i regret and don't understand why i did them, but i'm sorry...but i need to hear something...anything...thoughts, questions...anything on what i've tried to say...and if they aren't clear tell me too...i just need to hear something...

April 2017

S M T W T F S
      1
2345678
9101112131415
16171819202122
23 242526272829
30      

Page Summary

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Jul. 23rd, 2017 10:30 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios