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I've always wanted to say that for some reason... that my life is completely fantastically perfect...but i can't now... I finally made my decision of what I wanted from "us" with someone I dearly love and will always be close to my heart... and I fear it was a wrong decision...well, not fear it was wrong, just fear that that other person is now really sad because of my decision...cause they just left after i said it...and maybe i'm possibly overreacting...maybe they really did have to leave...which is perfectly fine with me...i just don't want them to feel really bad and hurt... cause thats the last thing i'd want to do to them cause they mean so much, but i don't think they know it...
On a lighter note, I got a letter from Kacie today from her sister...cause her sister still goes to my school, but Kacie doesn't...which was a very peasant bonus to my day.. it was sweet...had lyrics to a song in it and a long letter, so i'm happy about that...we're going to a movie tomorrow afternoon/night... yet, talking about this right after talking about serious stuff (see above paragraph) makes me feel odd...almost shallow...i hate that... I mean, I have to talk about lighter stuff to cheer myself up.. but doing it that quickly just doesn't seem right to me...I never understand myself...never did and never will most likely... can't explain why i do things nor why i saw certain things... grrr....hate how i am sometimes...now that bugs me... that i can move from serious and sad stuff right on into lighter happier stuff so quickly it scares me... ugh... shall never understand myself in a million years...won't live that long anyways... oh well... hate how i am... really do...but really like being happy and feeling loved and special...grr... don't..understand.. myself.. ah fuck it all...

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hearteststill

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